We are taught, most of us, and often women, to be nice, play nice, act nice. We teach our children, both boys and girls. What we could have been teaching them, should have been teaching them, in my opinion, was to be affective.We are socialized to be nice to other people, don’t make them feel uncomfortable. As a result, being unwilling to say facts, we can make things worse or even create problems. The truth, in my experience, can appear to be not that nice sometimes.Let’s break it down to fundamentals; Yes, sometimes that dress does make Barb look fat. And that’s not very nice, but it is true. If Barb asks me if the dress suits her, and I lie, because she doesn’t look “nice”, am I being a good friend to Barb?#placement_573654_0_i{width:100%;max-width:550px;margin:0 auto;}var rnd = window.rnd || Math.floor(Math.random()*10e6);var pid573654 = window.pid573654 || rnd;var plc573654 = window.plc573654 || 0;var abkw = window.abkw || '';var absrc = 'https://ads.empowerlocal.co/adserve/;ID=181918;size=0x0;setID=573654;type=js;sw='+screen.width+';sh='+screen.height+';spr='+window.devicePixelRatio+';kw='+abkw+';pid='+pid573654+';place='+(plc573654++)+';rnd='+rnd+';click=CLICK_MACRO_PLACEHOLDER';var _absrc = absrc.split("type=js"); absrc = _absrc[0] + 'type=js;referrer=' + encodeURIComponent(document.location.href) + _absrc[1];document.write('');If I’m a nice teacher, do I give every one of my students good grades because they’re good kids and that would make everyone feel good? I’d argue it’s not all that nice and we’d all have to agree it’s not necessarily effective teaching methods. It’s my opinion that our world could use a lot more evenings of sitting with uncomfortable facts that aren’t very nice, necessarily, but definitely need to be considered and then effectively addressed.One of the things I’d change if I could go back and raise my children again, or myself, would be to teach us all to be effective over “nice”.The first problem with nice is that it’s subjective and that means anyone at any time can deny that you’re nice. Only you can decide if you’re getting what you want. You get to decide if you’re being effective.When I look back on the times I was told to be nice, someone wanted me to comply with what they thought I should do. It didn’t have anything to do with me, but what would make things easier for them.Nice can be a real problem. Uncomfortable can be a place to grow. If that dress doesn’t suit Barb, there’s something out there that does, and not being willing to say the true thing may be what’s standing between Barb and her best, killer look. Is that the friend you want to be? Is that the friend Barb deserves?While looking our best is important, the fact of being honest and effective in our relationships, in communication and especially when we’re concerned for someone, can be imperative. Do I want to go along with my friend that she’s living her best life, or do I ask what it is I’m noticing that she seems angry since her new relationship began? Look, someone can keep things to themselves, that’s their choice, but I can ask about what I’m noticing. It’s sometimes the reflection someone needs to tell themselves the truth too.Michelle Pierson Young is a Lincoln City life coach. She may be reached at Michelleatplay.com. googletag.cmd.push(function() { googletag.display('ad-1515727'); });